Hopeless
by PrincessButtercup
Summary: just a short peice. Cordy thinks about someones death..but its not who you think, it's not Doyle or Buffy


Note: Ok this peice was written because well I was restless one night..and it's just short and dumb but I figured I'd put it up anyways. ~s~ Please if you read it reveiw it..and i already know it's not that good so dont feel bad if write that it sucks..althought for my small ego i'd appreiciate if you didnt. I might actually go into more detail with this story that's if people like it 'cause as now it's not much  
  
  
  
  
  
Restless. That's how i always feel now a days. Nothing can sedate me. I think to much at this hour. Nothing better to do then lay awake and think. Thinking can be a scary thing when your all alone. I sometimes think I've been cursed. I know that sounds ridiculous but it's how I feel. Everything has been going down hill. Nothing ever makes sense anymore. I always thought that the sun was supposed to shed light on every subject and chase away the nightmares. Unfortunatly I can see the sun creeping in through my curtains like an uninvited guest. But yet that doesnt comfort me. Ever since I lost him, I've wished for death. But it never comes only torment. Everything thing seems to be taunting me, laughing at me as if I'm a cruel joke. And it hurts. It hurts so much I can barley move anymore. I feel like I'm a hundred year old woman in a 20 year old body. There's a nice image. I try and I try to get on with my life. I tell myself I'm young and vibrant and I can make it through this rough and tumble world. And everytime I start believe that something happens and brings me back crashing to reality. Like Xander cheating on me. That probably had to be the first..then Doyle dieing. That was to hard. I cant remembered when I stopped crying. And now him. My Angel. My boss, my freind..my new found world. I can know I'm crying. But i cant help it. Losing someone so close to you is just to hard. I always wanted to be strong but I realized how fragile I really am. I've gone through alot in my life. Maybe not as much as some, but it's alot for me. I've given alot of things up. Sacrifices for the greater good. Right? Wrong. Everything I've every done in my life has been fake. One big huge fluke. I dont even feel real..what if I'm not real..oh god Angel why did you have to leave me. I know you didnt leave me alone I have Gunn and Wesley and while I'm greatful for them I need you back. God I love you. I love you! Why couldnt he understand that? I slammed my fist down on the pillow. It wasn't fair. Wasnt i doing good? Wasnt I doing all that the stupid Powers wanted me to do? Have the skull cracking visions and send Angel on his way to help them? I thought that was a good thing! I must have been wrong somwhere along the lines because they were punishing me. I could just feel them looking down on me, pointing and laughing at the little mortal who had the visions. The only comfort I had the only protection I had from these feelings had been Angel. He may have only been able to go out during the night but whatever he was my moon not my sun. My warrior, my sky and I was just a lil star that he watched over along with the rest of them. I never knew we could have something special, other then this bond. But we did. We came to term with our feelings for each other. Our love for each other..but that wasnt enough. Why wasnt that enough Angel? I know he could never hear me but I still ask. I wanted to find the Powers That Be and beat them over the head with an ax a few times. They were taking everything from me! Starting with my social life..now down to Angel. He would have been happy with me..I know I could have made him happy..but up in flames he went..he just had to play hero, running into that building to save just one person..that's how good he was. He gave his life for *one* person! My Angel was dead..while the person he saved was alive only bruised up. I remember standing there with Wesley watching the flames, and the sinking feeling I got in my chest when he didnt walk out. We waited. And waited. Even after the fire was put out..we still waited. A few days later Angel was never heard from. He didnt survive..I can think about this because I'm feeling numb..that's what happens when you lose people you love..you become so numb, nothing can touch you nothing can phase you. You close yourself up to the world. You dont want to feel anymore, you want to become an emtpy shell of the person you once was. Nothing will ever mean that much to anymore..that's if you can survive the process of healing. I cant. I know I cant. With out Angel I'm nothing..I feel sorry for the grief I will put Wes and Gunn through but this pain this excruitiating pain..i cant deal with it anymore. It wrenches my heart out of my chest. I stare at the bottle of pills that i take for my vision head aches, its a nice size bottle and then at the glass of water next to it. I can do this..I want to be with Angel..but something stops me..I looke over at my clock it's 7 am who could be at my door at this hour? I slowly slide from bed I feel a push behind me as Dennis is trying to get me to the door faster..pushy phantom..but I love him as well. I reached the door, extending my arm to the door knob i opened it slowly but what stood behind that door I could never be prepared for..  
  
"Angel.." I gasped..suddenly all hope all things good in the world everything I have felt came back into my veins as if pumping new life into me. His mouth turned into upward smile..one of his rare charming smiles that I have commited to memory. I dont ask him how he survived I dont care how..all I know is that he did...good things do still exist in this world..and I'm looking at one of them.  
  
End. 


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